As soon as I think I am getting better, ''it" pops up. . .

First and foremost, stop torturing your man. He's wonderfully tolerant and willing to stand by you what with all you've done. So it's going to be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. Who on earth would let go of something so special while at the same time enacting in self-destructive behavior. Deep down you know in your heart you should commit to him and be with him forever, yes? (Especially if he's willing to deal with what I've read.) But you owe it to him not to put him through a hell of your own creation until you have yourself figured out in all your complexities. So free yourself of the torment of hurting someone you have willingly admitted that you are pained to torment. Purify of your soul and liberation from yourself comes with purging the ones you love of 'basically' the hell you have created. You have to step back and admit you are not healthy for him and nor is he for you. If you want it to work, sit down and talk to him. Tell him what you're going through. All the parts that hurt the most. If it was meant to be, then it will flourish, if not, there are plenty of fishermen with their lines in the water.

Next is to step back from the proverbial hell that you have experienced and start the long and very grueling process of self-realization. You've stated before that you seek out bad men and betray the good ones that you come across. My question would be, what are you afraid of? I would ask you to look within yourself to see what is behind your choices in the sense that you have knowingly sabotaged relationships with decent men and sought out specifically men that you know well in your heart are no good for you or your well-being. I know you hurt, and I know you don't understand why. That's why i want so badly for you to look within yourself. What is it that you seek? What is it that you're looking for? Why do you deny yourself the happiness you know is attainable? I see someone so desperate to overcome something and I hope only to point you towards the right direction.

It is not your desire to 'score' men that interests me, it is your saddened state following. So much so it feels like it's something you are purposefully doing to yourself. Something that you cannot avoid. And worse than that, something that you cannot stop because of the fear of a future without. How hard would it be to walk away from something that you've experienced and committed for so long? Feeling deep down in your bowels that there's nothing better for you? That's the curse to overcome. The hardest thing you'll ever do is walk away from what you so desperately want to and look back saying you did the right thing. It's so easy to continue on, the pain of experience seems so much more fulfilling than the liberation of owning who you are as a person.

You are so close, knowing that deep down it's not what you want, not what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You deserve the pleasure of looking yourself in the mirror and liking what you see. You are not who you are with, you are not what others have made you. You are strong, resilient and most of all, capable. Temptations wreak around every corner, and they always will. But the respect you have for yourself is where you draw the strength to overcome. Respect who you are as a human being and know that there is no difference between the most respectable woman that draws breath and yourself. They are not better than you, you are equal. You are what you want to be, You are who you want to be. And you will always be stronger than you can imagine. All you need to do is remember it. Good luck.

That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. -Friedrich Nietzsche

A lot of things you said were right on point. And at this point in my life, theres no more just saying, and knowing what I need to do. its just a matter of doing it. Thank You.