I am lost and in need of help!

Im not really sure if I can help. But I can at least talk to you. Sex addiction is serious. And I am learning that. But the thing is you only chatted with other woman. Ive gone much farther with my addiction. My husband completely support my addiction and pushes for it. Someone commented on my post and told me to go to

Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/

And take the sex addiction screening test to see if you truly are a sex addict or if there is another type of sexual disorder going on. And then he gave me some websites and books to check out. If you prove to your wife that you are trying to change my joining groups, reading books and going to sex addict meetings maybe that will help out. And Im sure there are meeting that she can join with you. The more knowledge both you and her have about sexual addiction the better.
Good Luck

I think that the fact that you came clean to your wife is a positive sign. I had to confront my husband about his online personas. Although I'd rather not have to deal with this at all - I'd much rather have had him come to me about this than me finding out on my own.

I agree with Dandy. I found out by fluke and I was devastated and confused. My husband broke down the first couple times saying sorry and it didn't mean anything, but it took him a year to open up about his past sexual abuse, that he has never told anyone before. It is extremely hard for males to open up so good for you, for coming forward. As a wife going through this, I hope your wife seeks help and maybe you guys can do couples therapy. It is such a great avenue to try; having a mediator or middle man to help talk things out can really get some insight from both ends. Good luck moving forward!

Everyone has 2 sides to a story. 1st he didn't just come clean. I caught him numorus times by way of he has gotten better at hiding things & lying but is sloppy & always gets caught. I caught him in the last affair & he lied. He lied worse then any man has ever lied. He even was lying to his mistress & himself & pretty much the whole world. Made me think I was insane & delusional & fully believed him again & thought of my self as just crazy. Even after I had 100% evidence he was having affairs, he still managed to lie to me so well he had so many well NO every person in his life believing this lie. While the only one who knew the truth was the main girl he was having an affair with for I honestly don't know how long. He continued to lie about it for the past 8 months everytime it got brought up. Then he just finally had a brake down bc I demanded the truth or we where don't. I honestly didn't expect to hear everything I heard & believed was true was actually in fact true. So yes he came out & confessed once I realized I knew what was true & I couldn't allow to be hurt by it any more. We have been together for 11 years and he has had I don't even know how many affairs. He flames to have never been intimate with any of the females but his eyes tell me that's another lie. So I guess there is always 2 sides to a story & men never tell the whole truth.

Hi Thomas,

Let me first say that your wife is wrong in her belief that sexual addiction is a "cop out". Sexual addiction is a legitimate psychological disorder and has been recognized as such by both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association. As a matter of fact, sexual addiction is now included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. This means that counseling services related to this disease will be covered by health insurance policies and managed care plans. You can't get any more legitimate than that.

As Sheena pointed out above, there is all kinds of help available for the sex addict who wants it. And you're smart to get into recovery now because adult children of sex addicts (your daughters) are two to three times more likely to either become sex addicts themselves, or marry sex addicts. That's what the research has shown. So by getting help for yourself, you will also be indirectly helping your wife and daughters as well.

Sexual addiction can be a complicated and involved disease, with roots reaching back into your childhood. Most sex addicts grew up in families where some other type of addiction existed, and they learned to use addictions as a coping mechanism by osmosis. Alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive overeating or anorexia, smoking, gambling, or sexual addiction can usually be found in the families of origin of the sex addict, and if not in their immediate family (parents and siblings), in their extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.).

Childhood abuse, abandonment, and/or neglect are also frequently seen in the childhoods of sex addicts. This can involve physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, or spiritual incidents, any and all of which can cause shame for the child, and shame for the sex addict can be deadly since it is shame that causes the addict to want to act out. Sexual addiction is a shame based disease. It's caused by shame, and it creates shame when acted upon.

Recovery from sexual addiction is not a quick process, nor is it necessarily easy either. It requires a lot of long, hard work, including three (3) to six (6) years of weekly therapy sessions. It also involves a lot of reading and studying, Twelve Step support group meetings, and work on your family of origin issues (what they often call "Adult Child" work, "Inner Child" work, or "Original Pain" work). If you are ready and willing to commit to all of this, then you are ready to begin your recovery. However, if you don't get into recovery now, I can guarantee you that you will continue to go downhill and will eventually either be arrested for your sexual behaviors, or will die from your addiction. Those are your only other two choices. So, which way do you want to go? Are you ready to commit to change and growth? If so, let me know and I can provide some referrals for you which can help you get started on your road to recovery. The choice is yours, and I will await your decision.

Charlie
Sex Addiction Board/Panel Manager

You can't lie to a sex addict & say you are one. I know what a sex addict is & well that's bc I am one. Yes I am his wife. & only want full support for him that's why I want everyone to know the truth. You can't fix what's wrong if your lying to yourself about what's wrong. So yes Thomas saying he's a sex addict is a cop-out. I've been with him for over 10yrs. Now attention seeker, narcissistic, & bipolar yes. Sex addict is not one he can claim. A sex addict has no remorse for what they have done & its not done for the intent of hurting anyone & it Really means nothing but a releasing action. But he is NOT a sex addict.

There's a very easy for Thomas, and you too, terra, to find out if he's a sex addict. There's an online test called the Sexual Addiction Screening Test that exists for just that very reason. It can be found on either of two (2) websites:

Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/

On the Home Page of either site, right at the top of the page, Thomas will find the question, "Am I A Sex Addict?" If he will click on that question, the test will come up for him. The test can be taken right there online (it should only take three or four minutes), and then be submitted for scoring. In just a few seconds, you'll both have your answer. Generally, a score of 11 or higher indicates that a sexual addiction is present.

While Thomas may have bipolar disorder, that doesn't mean he can't also be a sex addict. And a narcissistic personality often goes along with the addiction, so that in and of itself also proves nothing. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm NOT saying that Thomas is definitely a sex addict. All I'm saying is that the conditions you pointed out wouldn't necessarily mean he couldn't be addicted. The only way you'll both know for sure will be for Thomas to take the test I outlined above.

Yes we both took the test. I scored as being a sex addict & he scored as not really being one. I know what I'm talking about. I know the man more than he knows himself.

Terra, your words seem extremely angry and upset, andof course, this feelings you are entitled to! I have so many dark thoughts and feelings surrounding the issues that I have with my hubby so I can relate that sometimes you just "need" to be angry. What do you want the outcome to be in all this? If you want the marriage to work, what steps are you both taking? It seems there is much bitterness, hurt, and blame... Again, all recognizable with your challenges. Is there room for forgiveness or is it time to focus on your addiction and move forward with what YOU can control of yourself, not your husband. If he is the person you are saying who is making excuses for his actions, what do you want the outcome to be? I am here to listen and talk things out so you figure out the path you want to take :)