wife of a sex addict .

There is nothing for sexual addiction, per se. However, many sex addicts wind up on antidepressants (S.S.R.I.s like Prozac and Paxil), or medication for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. One that's supposed to work pretty well for sex addicts is a medication for O.C.D. and depression called Luvox. You might want to talk to your husband's psychiatrist about this drug and see what he or she thinks of it.

Truelove i am sorry for what you are going through. I do not have personal experience with sex addiction--but if its like any other addiction the addict has to acknowledge his/her own problem & want to change before any thing will help them. Has your husband wanted to change or did he go to therapist to aplease you? If your husband truly wants to change-i hope the drugs in addition to therapy help him. Please keep us update. I can only imagine the pain & stress you have been under. My dad was an alcoholic for yrs--numerous times my mom forced him to go to doctor/church support gps, AA, etc--but it took many yrs for him to get to a point where he really wanted to change-and then he was open & accepting to getting the help he needed (in the past he had been going through the motions). Best of luck & i hope your husband is able to heal from his addiction.

Charli0217 thank you so much for your information.
MaluLani me and my stated dating when we were 17 years old, we are married for 13 years we are together for 20 years and we have two little boys 3 year old. now you can imagine how hard it can be for me. fist i leaned about his addiction 5 years ago. i requested him to go for therapy but he was reluctant, he told me he will control his addiction , he does not need any therapy . now that we have two little one and another think one of his sex partners husband caught them in a hotel . now he felt his addiction is not under control. but i am sure that he did not hit the rock bottom yet because he is not being truthful about his sexual activity. still he is communicating with other women. i gave him 6 month to think about his life my life and babies lives after that i will file for divorce. some reason he does not want to file for divorce . he said he does not want to lose control of kids life. he want me and at least another woman in his life ,he think that will help him to over come his damon!!!..i love him a lot, but now i am trying to understand that it is not me who can change anything in his life. i just don't no when he will truly realize about his addiction. Only gain i have this time that he did admit that he has sex addiction and went to therapist and psychiatrist.i need lots of courage to move on with my life.my boys giving me lots of hope for my life.Thank you so much for your comment.

Dear truelove,

Sad sad story. Another man caught in the sex addiction snare in today's world.

I've been there, am there, it's NO fun! No fun~! It sucks.

Medication may help, and thx Charlie for the mention of this new one for obsessive/compulsive disorder! It may be something to look into. But I don't believe drugs are the ultimate answer. The answer is taking responsiblity for your life. Looking at the outcomes of cheap thrills, etc.

Bottom line, your husband is being unfaithful, no excuses. And this is his choice. I know it might sound like an excuse, "sex-addiction", etc. but the bottom line is just that. He's cheating on you, and on your beautiful children, HIS family.

Of all the many books, I've read, there's only one that showed me how to proceed constructively, in hopes for a positive outcome. This is it.

"Love Must Be Tough", by Dr. Charles Dobson.

Take Care~

Buy it today.

Oh. A very good website for you and him is:

www.recoverynation.com

Hi again, truelove,

While there's no way you can physically force your partner to get serious about recovery, there is one thing you can do which MIGHT, and I must STRONGLY emphasize that word MIGHT, be enough to cause him to "hit bottom" and get serious about recovery. This may sound kind of crazy, but what has been known to work is for the spouse/partner to begin working on themselves. By doing this, your partner will get the idea that you are getting ready to leave him, and one of the main fears all sex addicts have is the fear that their spouse/partner will leave them. This work you do on yourself may be enough to cause him to "hit bottom".

Now by "work on yourself", I mean learning all you can about sexual addiction, getting into therapy for your own issues (not for the sake of the relationship), going to support groups for the partners of sex addicts, working the spouse's/partner's exercises that are a part of the online treatment program SWEETVIOLET mentioned: www.recoverynation.com/, etc. If you're willing to do these kinds of things, perhaps you can get your partner to see the light and make his way to recovery. If you would be interested in exploring any of these options, please let me know and I can suggest specific books or certain support groups you might wish to investigate. But in all honesty, this is really the only option you have for getting your man into recovery, short of some kind of crisis befalling him. So let me know if I can be of any further assistance, and I'll be happy to help in any way I can.

Charlie

sweet violet thank you so much for your comment. it was helpful for me i already got the book reading it and amazingly enough i found that most of the case example in that book similar to my situation. thanks for your info.
charlie,
it been two month i am trying to explain the situations. i gave him 6 months to think about everything before making any decision. i did it because of my kids. in the past whenever he had relationship i was mad at him had fight but this time i did not fight with him instead of that i asked him to get the help. because i really felt he needs help. right now i am like no matter what i am with him or not i would like to see him in a peaceful place because of my kids. if his life is massed up like this then my kids will be unhappy. in the past i always took him back , he is so manipulative you can not even imagine. So this time also my husband thinking that i will take him back after 6 month.i am being nice with him that made him think that,but this time i am really feed-up with this. i am going to internet site to help my self. looking for support group near our area.trying to read books.
i felt that i love him a lot but not more than myself or my 2 little children.
charlie, please help me with those , if you know any support group for spouse and family let me know. our therapist also happy that i am focusing on me.
i am trying my best for all of us. i have another problem my mother in law stay with us and she pamper him like a blind person, and my husband know whatever he is doing everything will be ok from his family because of his mom. she will make every family member to except his bad staff. it is so frustrating. my mom in law just cant stop her pampering towards him. please tell me if any book will help me.another problem he has affair with a lady i think that woman has sex addiction. my husband started to do abstinent but she was communicating with him and pushed him to have sex with him. so it is so complicated . sometime i am feeling hopeless.

Okay, let me start with the books, and then move on to the support groups. There are a number of excellent books available for the spouse of a sex addict, but I would suggest you start with a book titled, "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction", by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. This is the first book that was ever written about sexual addiction that was meant for the lay person, and it's still one of the best books available for outlining some of the basic facts about this disorder. It talks about what you'll see in the background of the sex addict, and also in the background of the addict's spouse, so it should help you understand why you were attracted to him, and ultimately, fell in love with him.

After you've finished reading this book, you can go on to the books which have been written specifically for the spouses of the addict. There are several very good books which I'd recommend you take a look at:

"Back From Betrayal: Recovering From His Affairs", by Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D.

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal", by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D. and Marsha Means, M. A.

"Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide For Partners of Sex Addicts", by Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D.

All of these suggested books can be purchased from: www.amazon.com.

As far as the Twelve Step support groups for the partners/spouses of sex addicts go, there are four (4) of them for you to consider:

S-Anon/S-Ateen International Family Groups
(Sister group to Sexaholics Anonymous which is for the addict)
www.sanon.org
(800)-210-8141

Codependents of Sex Addicts (C.O.S.A.)
(Sister group to Sex Addicts Anonymous which is for the addict)
www.cosa-recovery.org/
(763)-537-6904

Codependents of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (C.O.S.L.A.A.)
(Sister group to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous)
www.coslaa.org/
(860)-456-0032

Sexual Recovery Anonymous -- Anon (S.R.A. -- Anon)
(Sister group to Sexual Recovery Anonymous)
www.sexualrecovery.org/sra_anon.html
NO NATIONAL PHONE NUMBER LISTED

Two (2) of these groups, Codependents of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and Sexual Recovery Anonymous -- Anon are smaller than the other two groups, so they might not have support group meetings in your area, but the other two (2) groups probably do. On their websites, you should be able to find listings of the weekly group meetings. These listings will be indexed by states, and then by individual cities and towns within each state. Each group shown will include in the information listed the day of the week the group meets, where it meets, and what time everyone gets together. This will make it easy to find a group that meets in your area. Of course, you could also just call each group and ask them what is happening in your area. These groups are a great way to get some support for yourself from folks who find themselves in the very same position you do.

If there are no groups that meet in your area, or if the groups that are there won't work for you due to scheduling conflicts, you can go ahead and check out the telephone groups and online meetings. Each fellowship has its own telephone and online meetings, and information about them, including how to connect up with the group, will be found on the various websites.

So there you have some ideas to get you started. I hope something here proves helpful. If you have any questions, or if I may be of any further assistance, please let me know. I'm always happy to help in any way I can.

That's such great info Charlie provided! I really recommend going to the 12-step group S-Anon, or Al-anon. I also advocate going to www.recoverynation.com and doing the spouses workshops. For YOU, for US. It's totally fantastic and free!

Charlie: I love your advice about how to assist your partner who's a sex addict to hit rock bottom. Work on ourselves!!!!! That really hits the nail on the head. It's so hard!!!! But I do remember the first time I kicked him out, I got a job I loved, didn't have time or the desire to call or text him, and he called me 5 times a day saying, "where are you"? "why don't you answer your phone"? You see I wasn't there at his beckon call anymore, so maybe he was getting afraid.....Afraid he's losing me! Then my job ended, and I was sent back into the pitts. Despair, depression, addiction sometimes to alcohol.

So.....Charlie, tell me again, what must I do to help him reach rock bottom???? I told him to file for D yesterday. He said he won't.

I know I need to work on me!!!!! To learn to be happy with or without the addict. This is key.
Charlie, are you married????? How did your marriage turn out? Just asking.

Thx for all the good info!

Violetta~

Hi Violetta,

Let me answer you last question first. I am currently divorced, but I have been married twice. The first marriage ended when my then wife died from cancer of her thyroid gland. Her situation was kind of confusing, but basically, it all involves a cave. I live in St. Louis, and the state of Missouri has more caves than any other state, and most of them are to the south of an imaginary line that would run between St. Louis and Kansas City. Anyway, as a little girl, she and her family lived in a home that was fairly close to the Anheuser-Busch Brewery here in St. Louis, and there is a huge cave underneath the brewery. Before the days of refrigeration, they would store their beer down in the cave because it was cool down there. As I said, the cave was huge, and the home her family lived in was also right above the cave. Over the years, radon gas worked its way up from the cave and into the house, and that's what gave her the cancer. Her father, younger brother, and older sister have also died of cancer, and her mother is currently fighting it.

My second marriage basically ended because my then wife didn't want anything to do with recovery. She objected to my going to meetings, to see the therapist, and even to my going into treatment for the addiction. Finally, she moved back home with her parents and filed for divorce. We've been divorced and I've been living by myself since September of 1996.

I do have a daughter from each marriage, but they are both now married and living on their own. The older one is a tax attorney, and she has two children, a girl and a boy. And the younger one is a program administrator for a not-for-profit group that works with homeless people, the mentally ill, and those with developmental disabilities. She just got married last June, so no kids yet.

As far as getting your partner to "hit bottom", the only thing you can do which MIGHT work (and I want to STRONGLY emphasize that word MIGHT), is to work on yourself. Read books to learn what you can about sexual addiction, go to Twelve Step support group meetings that are designed for the families of sex addicts, work the partners program that's a part of Recovery Nation, and get yourself into therapy (for yourself, NOT for the relationship). That is the only thing that you can do. Nothing else will be effective, but if your addict partner thinks you're getting ready to leave him, he'll get serious about recovery real quick, unless he's too far gone. If that's the case (if he is too far gone) nothing will help or work since he'll be a lost cause. So that's my suggestion for you. Hope it works for you, and for truelove.